Friday, May 28, 2010

Apparently I should do a head count each time I get in the car...

Sometimes it is easy to forget things when you are a busy mom of 3.

Like you could forget about your 5th graders DARE graduation...your kids piano lessons...boy scouts...etc.

You could also forget to take your child home with you when you leave the gym.

You could take a shower at home, get dressed, and then - 45 minutes later - you could frantically drive back to the gym barefooted with a towel on your head to retrieve said child.

Now if your past is marred by such an event it is probably not a good idea to use the 'I am leaving now' tactic when trying to hurry a child when it is time to go home from the park.

You know when you say "Well - goodbye, I am leaving now" to an offspring who won't get off the swings? Your plan is not to actually leave the child but to make them THINK that they will be left behind if they don't hurry.

To terrify a child with the threat of abandonment is a perfectly acceptable form of eliciting cooperation - IF - you have not actually left that child somewhere in the first place.

Because if you did leave your child at the gym day care, and his six year old eyes watched you from the window as you climbed into your car and drove away it could cause a significant amount of emotional trauma.

Perhaps the traumatic effects of being abandoned will not manifest themselves at first. Then, several weeks later when you are trying to leave the park and you utter the ill-fated phrase: "Well - goodbye, I am leaving now" you will know the extreme extent of emotional damage that you created in the psyche of the small boy.

Upon hearing your declaration of abandonment and seeing you retreat towards the family car the boy will probably utter a shrill scream and then slump to the ground sobbing.

When you roll your eyes, turn back to physically retrieve him and explain that you would never really leave him anywhere he will look at you with hurt, tear filled eyes and say:

"Maybe I would believe you if you didn't already leave me at the gym. (Sniff-sob). At least at the gym a grown-up was watching me. Nobody will take care of me when you leave me at the park."

And then on the drive home you will have to guiltily address tear-full issues such as:

"I don't think Mom's are supposed to leave kids places"...
"I don't think Drew's Mom ever left him anywhere"...
"I don't think Matthew's Mom ever left him anywhere"...
"I don't think Ben's Mom ever left him anywhere"...
"I don't think Jack's Mom ever left him anywhere"...

And so on...

So - in order to raise kids who will believe that 'Mom-Will-Always-Be-There-For-Me' you really should try your best not to leave them at the gym.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Apparently I have a Red Thumb

I have the opposite of a green thumb. Based the opposites of the color wheel this means that I have a red thumb - and it is red with the blood of every potted thing that I have killed. Plants need only to absorb my exhaled carbon dioxide and shortly thereafter they wither and die.

This is a well known fact among the members of my family which is why Mr.Z walked in the door holding a cup with a bean sprout which he had cultivated in Kindergarten and said: "Do you want me to just throw this away now? Or should we wait for it to die?"

He decided to keep it. It did not survive.

I can now add a bean sprout to my growing list of victims.

WA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (evil laughter)